Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
