her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
