shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
