it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
