he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
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The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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