Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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