I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
