can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Your tits are I can't wait for
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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