So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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