Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
