I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
