so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
