quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
