Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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