tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
