before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
