just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
