he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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