im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
