exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
