Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
