I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
