I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I will be naked everywhere
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
