Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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