I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
