I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
