Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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