this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
