Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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