that's an acceptable place to lick
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
