theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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