but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
40s are totally the cure
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
