Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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