Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
