wat bout pragnant strippers??
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Randomize
