Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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