Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
