You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
