I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
