I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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