we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
