Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
