Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
