By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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