You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
