so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
