he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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