Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
