so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
only you would photoshop your dick
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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