He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
