just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
