just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
50% drunk capacity currently
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
