I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
