my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
