He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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