if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
