ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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