Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
