Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
